Bismillah
- Grief is just love with no place to go.
People all grieve. Some are different than others, But we can all agree that there is just this sense of emptiness that we all perceive.
It is a feeling where you notice everything moving around you, but it feels like time has stopped. Where sounds don't hear the same anymore, colors are dull, and flavors are bland. When nothing matters other than to sit in the moment and feel empty.
Whether you have lost a loved one, been laid off, or been stuck with tragedy, the moment you hear the news, you feel the world's weight drop into your stomach.
Knowing there is nowhere to hide, without a place to run to.
That weight feels unbearable. But it isn't something you haven't felt before.
- A sad reality
I was at an airport headed to Phoenix, Arizona, recently, and I sat next to this man; relatively my age, it looked like he could be a distant relative or a cousin based on looks.
After being intrigued by how similar we looked and dressed, I had to start a conversation.
After sitting down, I see him and instantly realize that he is uncomfortable and jittery. Pacing back and forth, wanting to avoid hopping on that plane.
Fearing the destination.
After sparking a conversation to calm this man down, I ask him. “How ya living?” His response shocked me.
“ in between 6 feet under and paradise.”
A very unusual way to put this Dunya, a genuinely unique perspective.
After trying to wrap my head around what that meant, my inquisitive nature kept poking to figure out what elicited this response.
Learning that the man was on the way to bury his uncle, who passed away a few hours ago, I lent an ear to listen to his sorrow and provided my shoulder to be cried on. His uncle was nearing old age but still had a lot of life in him; that man processed his grief the only way he knew how, by looking at the reality of death in the face of this emotional rollercoaster. His somewhat optimistic but scary reality and outlook was an impactful moment I hold dear.
That moment instantly changed my brain chemistry and allowed me to dive deep and understand the grief around my life and experiences.
It’s personal
Death, for example, happens every day. But when it’s personal or about you, that’s when it matters.
A dear friend of mine wants to tell me a quote that he got from crazy enough, Dictator Joseph Stalin.
“The death of 1 man is a tragedy. But the death of millions is just a statistic.”
When it is personal, that’s when the world stops. But it becomes much easier to bear when it’s halfway across the world where the atrocities don’t impact you. In reality, we can’t be selfish with the process of understanding death, grieving; However, it is a natural progression of life; there isn’t much we can do afterward.
When it is personal, the love of the person that left now has no place in this world. That place where love could go, left with them. So the love becomes frustrated with itself and eats itself from within. Looking for a place to just be sent.
All the goodbyes and love you always meant to give them but never got the chance to. All pent up, waiting for the release like a river being held up by a dam.
But the only thing that floods are your tears.
Uncontrollably flowing, tears rush until the wetness of your beard starts painting on your shirt, which, when looking at the whole frame, seems only like A beautifully tragic scene that only Van Gogh, Goya, or Picasso can depict.
I’m not a painter, but you get the picture.
Advice
The age-old question becomes how do we reconcile where the love goes before it comes to grief?
That is a beautiful question. I don’t have any answers, But I do have some advice.
Not living with regret is a good place to start.
In reality, truth doesn’t need agreement or care for your emotion. Truth moves forward. Just like the rest of the world.
Like anything else, these types of grief will take time to come to terms with.
But the grief that will live on forever, is the grief of regret. That is a weight that no one else can bear.
Making sure every interaction you have is intentional with total effort. Leaving everything on the table.
All the emotions you shoulda said or probably should have refrained from.
All the Flowers you didn’t give.
At the end of the day, more people regret things they didn’t do rather than what they did.
If this is a sign for you to do something, go for it.
The fear of regret far outweighs the fear of failure.
If you focus on the hurt, you’ll continue to suffer. If you focus on the lesson, you will continue to grow.
So learn the lesson before the grief sets in. And let the comfort of an attempt set you free.
Thanks for penning this. As Muslims we are always prepared to accept the reality of the world as nothing but an enjoyment of deception and that we are here to be tested. The one who succeeds is the one who is patient at the very moment calamity hits. And over time, humans tend to be resilient and accept the reality and move on.
Imagine the shifting of perspective altogether at the moment of calamity, like thanking Allah for the time you allowed that blessing to be with you and thinking of all good times. This helps us be sane and understand the words of our prophet (pbuh) “Strange are the ways of a believer for there is good in every affair of his and this is not the case with anyone else except in the case of a believer for if he has an occasion to feel delight, he thanks (God), thus there is a good for him in it, and if he gets into trouble and shows resignation (and endures it patiently), there is a good for him in it.”
So the age old question comes “ Why bad things happen to good people? “ is actually an incorrect question for a person who believes as bad things don’t happen to a believer. The Quran clarifies too, while we may perceive a thing bad for us and in the hindsight it is good. Our faith in destiny(qadr) is also to believe the good and bad of it. But bad according to us and not according to God. Imagine if we were given the knowledge of unseen and were told to write the qadr for oneself on our own we could not have written anything better what Allah has already written for us. Having a knowledge of these things completely changes one’s perspective on handling calamities and grief.
As I think of my biggest calamities in life now so far that shook me to the core eventually were the most important events which shaped my life to the better and I cannot thank Allah enuf for it. While going thru the calamity one can lose the sanity to understand the same thoughts it is important to have a circle of friends who keep reminding you the same and you pass thru it with flying colors and come out as a better person.
It took a personal hit to realize the Hadith “When Allah wishes good for someone, he afflicts them with calamities”!
While we all know that we will be tested as promised, I make dua that Allah grants us patience and gratitude in the toughest moments of life and cause that event to be the greatest blessing of one’s life. Ameen!
Thank you, I really needed this
May Allah reward you with more than you can imagine.